he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
