just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
