It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
