u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
