I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
