I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
