So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize