Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize