My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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