is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
