hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
