I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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