when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
