You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
