Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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