no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
