we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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