masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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