Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
