I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
