Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
