Please, let me fuck your mom
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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