dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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