I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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