dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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