don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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