Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Im part way to drunk.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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