This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
