I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
