I cannot find my penis.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
