theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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