omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
