Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Still dying that you shit outside
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
