sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
