The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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