if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
