so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
