I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
