god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
