quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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