Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
