he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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