in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
