It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
