she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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