sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
