i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
