you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
