The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
