I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize