I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
