i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
