she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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