I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
