Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
