dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize