He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
