True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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