You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
