finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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