she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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