WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
