Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
