You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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