tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
